What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 06:58
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I write beautiful poetry .
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I said to her
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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But, we were locked up after school.
So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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She found it foreign!.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
She married twice! .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot live in the past .
I think the readers, may guess!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I don,t even have a pension.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Would this be the day?
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Who then, do I blame.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i lived it daily.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!